Facebook is a treacherous ground to post upon! Many people do not know the fine art of writing comments or posting on walls without being awkward. In fact, I really don't know the fine art myself. I just think I do and then I tell you what the voices in my head and the magic unicorn in front of me tell me what to do, and I reiterate it to all of you wonderful people (5, maybe 6 people) out there! By the way: the sleep aid I just took may also have something to do with it........
There are various ways in which to "post" or "comment" on peoples Facebook "walls".
Examples:
The "Answer Back": Hey What are you doing?
1 comment- Nothing
The "Long-Time": Hey! It's been a long time.
1 comment- Yes it has.
The "Plan-A-Head": Hey! What are doing tomorrow? Wanna go to a movie?
The "We-speak-to-one-another-regularly-and-I-am-too-lazy-to-call/text-you"- You forgot your lube and big box o-porn at my moms house. You should come get it.
These examples are only a few of the vast quantities of posts and comments that flying about on facebook.
Now, the answers I have provided to these posts, are the usual comments people provide back to said friends/stalkers. However, if you are like me and believe the world is going to end with the coming of rabid unicorn-tigers with tiny goblin people holding diamonds made of robot heads that have Twinkies and the new kids on the block album between their steel AI teeth, than you may be in need of some help. I have developed a method for my own way to write very "almost" normal posts on a facebook wall.
The first thing I have to determine is whether or not I like the person in question. The great thing about NOT liking the person you would be writing to is that you can just flick off their picture on your computer screen and leave their page, because they may NOT know that you just flicked them off, but they will feel, in some way or another, your anger and contempt for them. However, if you do happen to actually LIKE this particular person (i.e. your mom, the boy you stalk at the coffee shop, your dog) this is where writing posts get tricky. The second thing to be determined is what you are going to write to this person. Would you like to introduce yourself? Ask them what they are doing the Friday next? You need to pick-up that big box-o-porn that your douchey friend left on your mothers doorstep? These are serious questions that need to be considered before you up and go and type up something random that could get you in trouble with the F.B.I....again. Or worse, let the boy you've been stalking know that you ACTUALLY LIKE HIM! Good god! THINK BEFORE YOU ACT!!! These are very dangerous waters to tread. So, okay lets take the example that you are going to write on this particular boys "wall". Lets call him "Ben". So, you're trying to write on "Ben's" wall about his whereabouts on the Friday next? Reason for you: you need to update your schedule to include new stalking hours on Friday between the times of 2:09 pm and 3:30 pm. However, there is one obstacle you need to cross with "Ben". He has never met you. Formally. The only time you've ever even "talked" to him was to ask if you could borrow a pen and a piece of paper so you could remember to pick-up whiskey and Schindler's List on the way home because hell, you have an interesting and totally NOT LONELY existence. The piece of paper he just happened to give was his business card with his full name ("Ben British" he just happens to be British as well. SHUT IT PEOPLE!!! THIS IS MY DAMNED FANTASY!) , cell, home, and work numbers and address of his place of business. Also, when you finished with his pen, thanked him and handed it back to him, he smiled at you and said "You're very welcome!" You just about fell over with because his sexymazingness just slapped you in the face and cherry topped-it with a sexy British accent. Now, if you're a male and reading this, just think of porn star. Because that's totally what you would think. I've seen enough of early 80s teen movies to totally know how guys think. I'm with "it". Awesome. Now back to me: And you are friends with him on facebook (look above to said business card with full name) because he's one of those types that friends everybody because he is an angel sent from above, showing love to their brethren through facebook by friending everyone because its the right thing to do. It's God's way. Yeah. God's way. So, not only do you facebook stalk him, but you happen to know his schedule. And you proceeded to fit in "Ben" time to your schedule. You consider it "watching" over him because what if, like in that movie While You Were Sleeping, he happens to fall onto some tracks and you have to save him from a moving train, or a bad guy pushes him in front of a moving vehicle. Someone has got to be there to save him, DAMN IT!!!! And then when he's in the hospital, you can trick his family into thinking that you're his fiance and you two will have the royal wedding you have already planned for. See? Watching! However, this cannot be known to him. So, you have to come up with a post that sounds like you know him personally but not so personally that he questions it. Just work "cubicle" personal. This brings me to my third step: Keep. It. Simple. But not too simple that he doesn't understand. Nothing like the one you sent last month (when your updated your last schedule):
Hey! You need. Tell me new cof cof times. Now. Me tell. Soon.
Thankfully, you used your fake account. This cannot happen this time because you will use your real account this time. You've edited it to make it look like that Not only do you like coffee, log jogs on the beach and saving baby seals from getting killed, you've only put up good-looking photos of yourself. And when he sees your profile, he will fall madly in love with you and need to meet you in real, only to sweep you off your feet and carry you away on his chariot made of platinum diamond chips of unicorn horn with your hobbit and goblin friends! So, you come up with a way to sound casual yet elusive. And at about this point, this is where you start typing. However, be wary, because you know you've been drinking whiskey all night to write this. Before you go to "sleep", proofread your "posting". Make sure it says all that you want it to say-
"Hey "Ben". I just wanted to know what times you go to the coffee shop. I want to get you your "reports" before you go. Thanks."
See? Straight to the point AND its "cubicle" personal.
This is what I saw the next morning......
